Mixed drinks in assorted glasses and colors on bar

A great cocktail has structure, it has tension, it has balance. As you drink it you are aware of its component parts and appreciate how they wrestle with each other for prominence, with no single one ever quite assuming dominance over the others. A great cocktail is nothing less than the physical embodiment of the old adage that something is “more than the sum of its parts”.

Unfortunately, just as there are terrible movies and songs that make you regret having ears, so too there are cocktails that swing and miss with the bases loaded. So, in the interest of protecting our CBD soda customers from the possibility of ever accidentally downing one of these ghoulish concoctions we’ve brought together the 7 worst cocktails to ever (dis)grace the bar.

We all have to die someday, and if it were up to our panel members that would be the day before they are forced to choke down any one of the following.

ONE: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

We might as well begin with a cocktail named after those lovable harbingers of death and destruction who signal the end of all things. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is appropriately named since just one of these will likely leave you muttering something along the lines of “Let me die... please Lord... just let me die.” If you must know the FHoA is comprised of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker Black, Jameson and Bacardi 151. If you can’t finish it you can always donate what remains to SpaceX to power their next Starship launch, or you can use it to degrease your engine.

TWO: The Smoker's Cough

The Smoker’s Dry Heave is more like it. Let’s say someone offered you a million bucks to come up with the least appealing combination of cocktail ingredients humanly possible. What would you choose? Champagne and Ranch Dressing? Preparation H and Old Grand Dad? Jägermeister and mayo? What about Jeppson's Malört, dirty bath water and tiger balm? Well, believe it or not, someone actually concluded that Jägermeister and mayo would make a compelling cocktail and then christened their concoction The Smokers Cough. Do yourself a favor and stick to the CBD drinks.

THREE: The Bloody Tampon

The name kind of says it all with this one. Even if you’re not a woman there’s a good chance you’ll be suffering from menstrual cramps after forcing down one of these. The BT, or Tamp for short, is comprised of Baileys, lemon juice, tomato juice, vodka, tequila and whiskey. It’s an unholy mixture that will repel bear attacks, restore your whitewall tires to like-new condition and strip away centuries of varnish, grease and clumsy overpainting from renaissance masterpieces. If you like someone, offer them a refreshing CBD soda. If you don’t, serve ‘em a bloody tampon then tell them the bathroom’s out of order.

FOUR: Horse J*zz

So you’re intent on impressing that beauty with the smoldering eyes perched upon the barstool drinking CBD sparkling water. You slide confidently through the crowd and belly up to the bar next to her. When the bartender asks you what you’re having you reply “Horse Jizz”. She’ll either think you’re so incredibly warped that she has to get to know you. Or she’ll run from you like Bryce Dallas Howard from a T-Rex. Even if her morbid curiosity causes her to stick around she’ll likely change her mind after you take a hit of this half-beer, half milk concoction and hurl into her lap.

FIVE: The Pickle Back

The Pickle Back falls into the category of I.D.Y. - "I Dare You" - drinks. It consists of a shot of Irish whiskey and a chaser of pickle juice. Those who suffer a particularly egregious form of self-loathing will find the Pickle Back to be just what the doctor ordered. As will those with a tendency to drink too much and then engage in pointless and potentially humiliating games of chance. If you’re walking up to the bar and ordering Horse J*zz, chances are better than even you first had several Pickle Backs.

SIX: Hot Mexican Hooker

If the Mexican hooker you just shared some precious memories with left a taste in your mouth that reminds you of this cocktail it’s time to find something else to do with your weekends than hopping o'er the border to Ciudad Juarez. The Mexican Hooker is fashioned from tequila, tabasco sauce, and the juice from a can of tuna. Brine or oil? Your choice. But even if you wash it down with CBD water it’s going to taste just as bad coming back up as it did going down.

SEVEN: Aviation

"Aviation" doesn't seem an entirely appropriate name for this combination of gin, maraschino liqueur, creme de violette, and lemon juice. We'd propose changing it to "Air Crash Investigation", or perhaps "Mayday! Mayday!" Someone once said that the Aviation tastes like an old lady's underwear drawer, but in truth, it smells like an old lady’s underwear drawer and tastes like her husband’s dirty underwear. It’s going to take a lot of CBD sparkling water to wash this taste out of your mouth.

(Dis)honorable Mention: Infected Whitehead

Once you toss back this combination of vodka, tomato juice and cottage cheese you won’t really care about the name. You’ll be much more intent on trying to figure out why your sister got the looks and the brains and all you inherited was your father’s tendency to wake up on the neighbor’s lawn after a rough night.

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